Snow day. . .

It's a magical morning here in French Woods!  The first thing I did was to fling open my window to smell the snow and listen to its silence.  Then, while the coffee brewed, I slipped my bare feet into my boots and walked from one end of the porch to the other, just taking it all in.  

I'm anticipating the week ahead will be a bit confusing since I am taking a "snow day" from church this morning.  I know I'll be checking the calendar off and on to see what day it is.

How will I use this found time?  Is this one of God's winks?  I'm eager to see how the day unfolds. 

It's a marshmallow world over the Hobbit Hole.  Note the snow gauge measuring about a foot and the deer trail where they have been pawing at my myrtle and grazing in the orchard.

Looks like the bear's picnic got snowed on.

Blue spruce + hemlock + "fake" = The Fellowship of the Evergreens!

A little porch decorating. . .

A little decorating on the porch is a must since that's what I see from my dining room.  I was inspired by the big black bear that paid me a visit in the fall.  This explains my procrastination when it comes to necessary tasks; I'd rather "play."

I thought it only fitting that I should have a bear on my porch.

Tomorrow is another day. . .

Whew!  Home at last.  What a day!  Appointments, appointments, and more appointments!  As I was driving home from the last one for today, through dark wooded mountain roads, I wondered why my left arm was stiff and hurting.  Then I remembered the flu shot I had gotten at the doctor's just this morning. It feels like yesterday because of the way this Monday has been so distinctly divided.  

I had to see my doctor in Binghamton at ten o'clock this morning.  It was a dark, foggy drive with drizzly snow and slick roads.  Traffic was heavy and everyone seemed in a hurry. The good news is that I am relatively healthy. That is, for someone who can't see with her right eye or hear with her left ear; whose molars are fracturing and whose hair is falling out.  Thank goodness the scabs on my forehead (leftovers from the dermatologist) have finally fallen off.  They put me in mind of the chicken pox I had when I was ten.  I will be adding a medication to help control my cholesterol since my successful management through diet was short lived.  There was the usual conflict over where I should have my mammogram since "they" cannot agree on whether it is considered routine or diagnostic.  I wish "they" would get their act together because I'm tired of being told I should be in the "other" place, regardless of which one I happen to be in.  But that's not for a couple of months yet so I'm not going bother thinking about it now.  I did manage to knit half of a slipper while sitting in the waiting room.

I got back in town just in time to make a pit-stop at home and finish the cold oatmeal and cold coffee that were on the counter where I left them earlier.  I noticed I had a phone message so I checked that.  It was the eye surgeon's receptionist, Kristin, who sounded frustrated because they have not received the paperwork they need from my medical doctor before my surgery on Thursday.  She said if it's already at the hospital, that's fine, but they still need to have a copy.  And...if I have a copy, I should bring it with me.  If I had any questions, I was to call her.  As I listened to the message and my only response was, "Huh?" you bet I had questions!  I didn't want one more loose end hanging over my head, so I took time to make the call before I headed out to appointments two and three in Honesdale.  Naturally, a recorded voice told me she was either "not at her desk or assisting other callers," so I left a message saying I do have questions and to please call.  ...... I'm still waiting.  I guess I'll have to attack that obstacle again first thing in the morning.

Off to Honesdale next.  Beautiful drive with blue sky, sunshine, and feeling very springlike.  I listened to Christmas music on the way and had "deep thoughts."  By the time I got to the periodontist, I was so relaxed that I really didn't care what he did to me and I wished I could stay in that comfortable chair and take a nap.  (He did say I was welcome to stop in anytime just to relax if I wanted to.)  His assistant confided the fact that she was having a bad day but if she hadn't said so, I never would have guessed.  I like her. She has spunk.  After a short time, I left there with numb gum and headed straight to my dentist's office where, after two tries, my implant was successfully in place.  Walla!  This has been progressing in stages ever since February.  Now I can strike it from the list!

Now, if only I can get things straightened out with Kristin. . .

And there's still that fractured molar I have to contend with. . .

Oh, and that's right. . .there's that surgery on Thursday. . .

I've decided not to think about those things tonight.  I'll be like Scarlett O'Hara and say, "After all, tomorrow is another day."

Let the snow days begin. . .

...been outside clearing paths and taking a breathtakingly beautiful walk in the snow.  It always lifts my spirits and brings me peace.  According to my snow gauge, four inches have fallen so far.  Why is it I almost always find myself humming and inclined to pick up my knitting when I come back inside?

Let there be sweet potatoes. . .

I am realizing it has been awhile since I cooked anything substantial.  Neither have I felt inclined to shop for groceries.  I went for days without milk simply because I didn't want to bother to stop at the store during my comings and goings.  I have been existing on odds and ends I've found by rummaging through the pantry and freezer.  As long as I don't run out of coffee and cat food, I'm good.  I finally gave up my procrastination and went to the grocery store the other day.  Today, I cooked although that was far from my intention as the day began.  As a result, I will be "grazing" on "real" food for the next several days; spicy meatloaf, marshmallowed sweet potatoes, "doctored" cottage cheese, and baked ziti, to name a few dishes that are now in my 'fridge.  The cooking frenzy all began because of a craving for a poached egg for breakfast.

Today has been rather morose and dark and drizzly all day.  It leaves me with the feeling of being suspended in the early morning hours even as the day winds down and the "legitimate" nighttime darkness sets in.  The melancholy music I've been listening to on Pandora contributes to my gloomy mood. Somehow, I am basking in it, though.  I guess I must need to feel this way occasionally. 

I even had odd dreams during the night.  But then, I guess dreams are always odd, aren't they?  I dreamed of poached eggs and in another dream segment, I was consoling an acquaintance - someone I hardly know (whose marriage, in reality, is solidly intact) because her husband was cheating on her.  In both instances, it's not hard to trace the origin.  First, I watched someone poaching eggs on a cooking show as I sat in the dentist's chair yesterday.  Secondly, after I went to bed, I watched a Dr. Phil segment which happened to be about a cheating husband's mid-life crisis.

Ah, yes...the dental visit.  I was really looking forward to concluding this implant process which began back in February.  However, the truism about things never unfolding as planned became apparent, once again.  There was a session of plenty of poking and prodding with no avail.  More gum tissue has grown around the healing cap and needs to be removed.  As a result, the implant "grand finale" is postponed until a week from this coming Monday and is getting uncomfortably close to cataract surgery day.  On that Monday,  I have a 10:00am doctor appointment in Binghamton, a 2:00pm periodondist appointment and a 3:00pm dentist appointment, both in Honesdale.  As for my minus-the-temporary-filling fractured molar, I need to set up an appointment with an oral surgeon in one of three cities - Scranton, Carbondale, or Binghamton.  It's a good thing I got those new tires!

I am oddly calm about my currently befuddled circumstances and that, in itself, makes me a little uneasy.  I keep waiting for the "other shoe to drop." Maybe...after all these years...I have finally learned to embrace one day at a time.  Yes...let's go with that!  Let's just say, "All will be well, for I have cooked!"  

Let there be poached eggs and sweet potatoes! 

Bumps in the journey. . .

...and so the appointments continue.

Nothing ever unfolds exactly as we anticipate; of this I'm certain.  It will be better or worse, or take a totally unexpected turn.  I "limped" through the week end with a temporary protective filling on what was left of my fractured molar while I considered the options I had been given. On Sunday morning as I reflected on the previous day over coffee, I was jolted from my contentment by a "rock" in my apple bread.  The "rock," as it turned out, was my temporary filling.  (Temporary is right; I had had it since Wednesday.)  And I had been so careful with it!  "Thank goodness tomorrow is Monday," I thought, anticipating that this latest "bump" in my journey would be behind me within just a few days.  "Maybe even by Monday afternoon," I let myself hope.  

Ha!  

First of all, my dentist is away until Thursday.  Second of all, I will most likely be referred to an oral surgeon (in yet another city) because of the affected area's proximity to my sinuses.  Then, who knows when that appointment will be?  As I stare at my calendar, I can't help feeling a bit anxious about how the next few weeks will unravel.  Will *I* unravel?  Wouldn't it make more sense if there were a central location where the oral surgeon, the eye surgeon, the dermatologist,  the periodondist, and the dentist could all attend to me simultaneously?  Wouldn't it be great to wake up and have the molar fixed, the cataract gone, the skin spots gone, and the implant in place...all at the same time?

Remember "Gunsmoke" - ?  Whatever was ailing anybody, unless the local barber could take care of it, the afflicted one would climb those outside stairs (or be carried) up to Doc Adams' office and Old Doc took care of them.  I'm not saying that would be my preference now.  I rather like the idea of an anesthesia that is slightly more effective than whiskey!  And the mortality rate was higher then, I'm sure.  But at least, back in those days, they didn't have to wonder which direction to head in.

It's amazing how mankind has used the gifts God has given in order to care for one another!  I am awed!  Despite all the negativity we are continually bombarded with, there is, oh, so much goodness to be thankful for!  I, for one, am grateful to live in this particular time and place.

...but I'm still looking forward to putting this "appointment maze" behind me. 

  

A good day. . .

...worked in the yard all day today.  Oh, my aching arms and back!  I cannot grip anything with my right hand.  My fingers won't work.  Hopefully, a night's rest will take care of that.  Otherwise, it will be interesting playing the organ tomorrow.

The time was well spent, though...peaceful and inspiring.  It feels good to let my thoughts free flow. I discovered that something has been burrowing under the grass where the new topsoil was spread.  The tunnels are pretty big for a mole but I don't know what else does that.  Some confused flowers are beginning to bloom in this unseasonably warm fall weather.  I was greeted by a charming primrose, a johnny-jump-up, a forget-me-not, and a bright yellow dandelion.  They think it's spring.  Boy, are they in for a surprise!

The plan was to divide my day so I wouldn't overdo, spending the morning working outdoors and the afternoon working on some knitting projects I have underway.  So much for that!  I should know by now that I don't know when to quit when it comes to yardwork.  I always want to do "one more thing." When the sun began to set and I realized I was very hungry, I knew I had pushed myself to the limit...again.  I was long overdue for sustenance since the slice of apple bread I had with my coffee early this morning was all I had eaten, so far.   I wondered what I had to eat that was readily on hand.  Not much, I discovered, so I settled for a can of Manhattan Clam Chowder.  I don't even like clam chowder but I ate it anyway.  It was either that or another slice of apple bread.  I don't even know what that soup was doing in my pantry, or how long it had been there.  I didn't check the date but I'm going to assume it had expired.

The next time I decide to divide a day's tasks, I think it might be a good idea to plan the outdoor work for the afternoon.

All considered, it has been a good day and I'm pleased with what was accomplished.  What will tomorrow bring?  I wonder......

Leaves. . .

My words of wisdom on living in the woods: 

"When life gives you leaves...make mulch!"

"Thankfuls". . .

I haven't been keeping up with my daily "thankfuls" very well.  That is, I haven't been taking time to post them.  There are so many. 

I believe there is always room for gratitude and although I know I fall short, that is what I strive for.  It's easy to be grateful for the little uplifting things that occur.  Autumn beauty, sunshine, time with friends.  The list is endless.  Then there are the not-so-easy things.  Illness, depression, loneliness.  That list is endless as well and they are the times when I know I need to search for the underlying joy.  One may question my use of the word "joy" but that would only mean that we have differing definitions.  To me, it is a tender, healing word that connects directly with my faith in God and timelessness.  Not the momentary feeling of happiness that comes when something feels pleasing.

Today I am thankful for the ever-present Joy that overflows, even through sadness.      

Appointments. . .

One appointment down and two more to go for this week!  I don't know how it happens but it seems as if all my appointments will invariably occur in the same general time period.  Add the appointments for the cat and the car to the mix and it makes for a cluttered calendar. The trouble is, only two of them take place in the same direction; thirty miles to a GMC dealer and to my dentist.   Oh, I forgot - my optometrist is there, too, so that's three.  Then it is forty-five or fifty miles in two other directions to my doctor and to the veterinarian.  I really don't mind the driving since it takes me through beautiful countryside and it gives me time to relax and meditate.  Besides, if I were free to indulge my own desires, I would probably be quite content to "hole up" at home in French Woods.

Thank goodness for my GPS!  (Kids:  That's the best gift you ever gave me!) Without it I would probably still be driving around Endwell looking for the dermatologist who used to be in Vestal. That's where I spent my morning. Good news there, though.  The "spots" I was concerned about were just benign (what I call) "old age spots" and they have been 'zapped' from my forehead with a "futuristic gun-looking thing" that I'll bet my grandsons would love to get their hands on.

For eight months now I have been going through a dental implant process. Although I find the procedure absolutely amazing due to the fine precision involved, I have to admit I will be overjoyed when that process has been completed!  Meanwhile, I have managed to do something quite disasterous to one of my molars.  I'm pretty sure it is cracked.  Hence, a dental appointment bright and early in the morning.  I would like to say I'm looking forward to it because it will be a relief to have it taken care of but all I can truthfully say is that I'll be glad when it's tomorrow afternoon!

Thursday, I have an appointment to have new tires mounted.  Where?  Next door to where I will have been to my dentist the day before.  A few days after that, back in the other direction for physician follow-up.  After that, finish up dental implant. Then pre-admission testing.  Then cataract surgery. Then...who knows?  That's as far ahead as I can think without boggling my mind.

I'm not complaining, mind you, rather simply trying to keep it all straight. My fear is that I'll get mixed up one day and drive for an hour only to realize I've gone in the wrong direction.

Or...won't my periodontist be very surprised when I show up with a cat under my arm?!     

Snowflakes. . .

Seeing snowflakes in the air always seems to lift my spirits.  Especially the first few of the season.  I will immediately notice my pace quickening and my heart feeling lighter.  I will begin to entertain thoughts of simmering homemade soup, knitting, and all sorts of other nesting activities.  I hope I never lose that!

Some of my favorite memories are of unexpected "snow days" when the kids were small.  I could hardly wait to bundle us all up and head outside where we would delight in making the "first tracks" in the, as yet, unblemished landscape.  And, of course, there would be "snow angels" and "fox and goose." If it was the "packing kind," there would be snowmen, snow forts, and snowballs for the dog to chase.  I never scolded them for eating the snow despite all I had read about how contaminated it becomes after it has fallen all that way through the germ-ridden atmosphere.  Phooey!  I think it's a vital part of childhood.  In fact, I have not ever known of a snow related childhood illness.

I'm not sure what the kids' recollections are of those special days but I am sure they remember them.  And it gives me great pleasure when I hear them passing on to their own offspring the important lesson:  Don't eat the snow if it's yellow!  

Thankful - Day 7. . .

I am thankful for the gift of music in my life; the way it expands expression beyond words!

Thankful - Day 6. . .

How thankful I feel to live in an age of technology that allows me to connect so easily with those I hold dear! 

Thankful - Day 5. . .

. . .so thankful to live nestled in the beauty of the Catskill Mountains!

Thankful - Day 4. . .

I am thankful for my cozy home full of warm memories of life well lived.

Thankful - Day 3. . .

Today and every day I am, oh, so thankful to be blessed with the gift of loving friends and there is never a day when I take that for granted!

Rainbow. . .

"Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."
Genesis 9:12

Thankful - Day 2. . .

I am so very thankful for grandkids!  All thirteen of them, as well as the grandkids-in-law, and the three little "greats."  Today, more specifically - Michael, an awesome willing worker who helped make a tremendous "dent" in my fall yardwork. I could not have accomplished what the two of us did if I had been working alone.  

Another happy section of the yard. . .and a grateful Gramma!

It's "thankful month" again - Day 1

It's "thankful month" again!  Time for daily gratitudes.  Among many things, I am thankful today for an autumn that has been one of the kindest ever, so far.   

A folk song sort of day. . .

It's a "folk song" sort of day.  I slept in a bit this morning since I found myself struggling with insomnia most of the night.  By the time I did my morning workout on my new Total Gym, made coffee, hung sheets on the line, and settled in at my favorite little corner on the porch for breakfast, most of the morning was behind me.  I don't like it when that happens.  It always leaves me feeling unsettled for the rest of the day; like I'm running behind and have missed a part of my journey I can never reclaim.  With Pandora Radio playing sentimental folk music in the background, accompanied by live bird songs, I have tried to simply bask in this amazing day the Lord has made!  It is sunny and warm with a light breeze and not a speck of humidity.  The leaves rustle quietly.  The gentle breath of the fresh air stirs  the fragrance of mock orange blossoms, roses, field clover and fresh hay. Despite this serene setting, my attention is drawn to all the "spots" in the yard that are calling me.  In my mind's eye I see myself tending to them. 

 

So that's exactly what I will do for the rest of the day.  By doing so I will have the honor of being in union with the splendor surrounding me and I will rejoice in this day......

 

......wherever the music, mingled with my thoughts may take me.      

Many shades of green. . .

Coffee on the porch this morning in my favorite little corner.  The sun always rises over the Hobbit Hole, first glimmering through the trees then cascading over their top branches and spreading around the yard like warm butter.  I cherish these moments of timelessness when the world stands still as dimensions blend and reality becomes blurred.  If I were to try to describe these moments, I would say that when they happen I feel as though I slip into the pages of a book. 

 

I think I first learned to indulge in these momentary 'escapes' from reality as a child.  It all began with a coloring book (Andy Panda, to be exact).  I was intrigued by the pictures as I colored carefully, in order to stay between the lines, and to make sure to use many shades of green so that each type of outdoor greenery could be unique.  For instance, evergreen trees needed to be much darker than grass, and various leaves needed to be a variety of shades somewhere in between the evergreens and grass.  What a world I discovered on those pages!  I discovered that if I gazed at a page long enough, in my mind's eye I could superimpose myself into it until my senses reacted and that 'place' became my reality.  I was enthralled with that feeling; it was such a warm and safe place to be.  It never lasted long and I was always disappointed that I had no control over that.  Today, looking back, I realize it's probably a good thing that I never captured that control.  Who knows what the outcome would have been if I had 'stayed there?'  

 

But I know Who is the only One in control and always knows what He is doing.

 

This morning as I sipped coffee and gazed at my own yard, many thoughts sifted their way into my head and lingered there awhile.  There were too many to recall all the thoughts I had but I know I spent a fair amount of time remembering my sister-in-law, Bonnie, who left her earthly home going on nineteen years ago now.  Her birthday is today, June 14th, on Flag Day.  Sadly, she was stricken with early onset Alzheimer's disease when she was in her forties and a diagnosis was not readily forthcoming at that time.  When I think of her, for the most part, I remember the teenage girl and young mother I knew.  Many of the wonderful attributes she had to offer may have gone unnoticed due to her shyness but I happen to know she was extremely bright and compassionate.  She was quite lovely, too, with her large brown eyes and honey blond hair with just the right amount of natural curl.  I wish we had spent more time together.  I wish I had told her how I admired her.  I wish I had been a better friend. I wish she was here to grow old with me. I wish......  I wish I understood the many shades of green.

 

But I know Who is the only One in control and always knows what He is doing.

 

Happy Birthday, Bonnie!  The green font is for you...your favorite color!

  

More projects. . .

Ready, set, go. . .



...in progress

Garden Angel got a new look too...



Finished

If wishing made it so. . .

 

It is a peaceful drizzly Friday morning.  I enjoyed my coffee and oatmeal at the little corner table on the porch while taking in the fresh view and listening to the gentle rain.  It is oh, so soothing as I let my imagination carry me away to a place where that soft rain might be, not only one of God's gifts to the earth and us but an anointing for all who believe, that would cure all the illness that we have failed to conquer on our own.  Do I believe such a thing *will* happen?  Not really, because it is beyond my humble comprehension.  Do I believe it *could* happen?  Absolutely!  The miracle of God always has been, is, and always will be.  That I trust, even without comprehending.

 

On a lighter note. . .

The other day I wrote a post about my sluice/ditch cleaning project that included the comment that maybe the town road crew would finish the job.  Well, they did!  The very next day!  They rolled that road and scraped that ditch in fine fashion.  I am, of course, delighted...but I really have to wonder about the timing.  Hmm...  Was it a miracle?  Did someone read my blog?  Or was it pure synchronicity?  I will probably never know since I am certainly not going to ask.  Some things are best left alone.  *wink*

 

After all, God also has a sense of humor......         

Day is done. . .

3:00 pm...inside for cold water...going back outside to keep working in my sorry looking herbs that didn't winter very well.  Very hard on the back because I can't bring myself to lean against the stone wall of the Hobbit Hole.  I keep imagining it full of snakes.  I remember one summer when I was around, say 7 or so and my favorite morning ritual was to walk to a neighboring stone wall where 'dozens' of garter snakes would be sunning themselves between the layers of stone.  I would poke a stick at them to watch them stick their tongues out and slither back inside the earth.  I wondered where they went, visualizing secret little snake homes complete with furniture and light fixtures.  Maybe that's not something I should admit to but what the heck; I've already once admitted to thinking I could take a radio apart and get the little people out and play with them.  Ah, childhood.  Yes, please...I'd like to go back for a visit.

7:00 pm...day is done.  (Isn't that a Peter Paul and Mary song?) 

Today's projects:

Chili with apple and carrot added.  Tasted good and it made the house smell heavenly!

Weeded the chives and planted some garlic.  Love the chive blossoms.

Refreshed the landscape around the Hobbit Hole and tended the herbs.  

This year, I am *going* to harvest the horse radish!

Look who I found hiding under a rock.

Blasted deer anyway!!  Had to spray all my hosta with 'liquid fence.'  It smells horrible but it does work. 

 

Projects. . .

I enjoyed a beautiful drive through the countryside this morning accompanied by my grandpuppy, Pippin.  It reminded me of the days when my own dog, Ginger, was my sidekick everywhere I went.  Pippin likes to ride, too, but he wasn't very happy when I left him at the vet's.  The pungent stench of the dog's breath is enough to overpower an elephant!  Hopefully he'll be 'fresh as a daisy' when he comes home and he'll hear us say nice things to him again instead of "go away!" 

This afternoon's project was house painting...birdhouses, that is.  And starting the prep work for re-painting the garage doors.  There must be an easier way; I hate prep work.    

 

My mailbox was badly in need of a face lift too.

...started scraping old paint off



There sure was a lot of chirping going on in this one.  It is inhabited by a wren family.  Mama bird scolded me something fierce from her vantage point in the rhododendron. 

 

 

All on a Sunday afternoon. . .

Another good day!  What's this, three in a row?  Church in the morning then lunch with a beautiful friend.  While driving home I pondered some choices for an afternoon project.  As I drove in Ray Road, noticing the unsightly non-functioning sluice pipe, I knew what my project would be.  The purpose of the sluice pipe is to divert the flow of rainwater that runs off the highway, down Baudendistel Road and bears left onto Ray Road where it takes another left down my driveway...and occasionally in my basement. 

 

I've decided that water must be very lazy, always taking the easiest path.  Where is its sense of adventure?  I'm glad my journey is not so predictable and I know I have God to thank for that!

 

Anyway...the sluice.   It had been buried underneath a few years' worth of gravel, rocks and leaves.  The tall weeds that had greedily moved in obscured the sluice even more.  Since this is a township road, it is routinely maintained by the Town of Hancock...with the exception of the sluice pipe which they may have forgotten about.  I ended up working at my unearthing project for several hours - for a time during a brief shower.  But the pleasure I felt was worthwhile and far outweighed the discomfort of being filthy and sweaty with dirt balls in my hair and shoes.  I find that once I'm already dirty it doesn't bother me so much to dig in.  After exposing the sluice to my satisfaction, I then started clearing the ditch but didn't finish all of it.  (I love my Toro leaf blower!  It not only blows the leaves but rocks, sticks and small piles of dirt, too.) 

 

Maybe the road crew will finish what I started.  Gee, maybe they'll put me on the payroll.  Do you suppose?  =^) *snicker*

Outdoor compromise. . .

A free picture slideshow by Smilebox

Bummer!  Here it is a most gorgeous summer-like day and I have had to stay inside for most of it.  Well, maybe I shouldn't say I 'had' to stay in.  My banishment from the yard was self imposed since I can't seem to muster up enough willpower to stop doing yardwork!  I overdid it yesterday many times over and last night I had an attention getting wake-up call. 

 

I spent most of the day on the ground, scooching along all the areas in the yard that have borders, scritching and scratching and pulling the fine weeds - the kind you need just your thumb and forefinger for.  At the time, it felt wonderfully relaxing to mingle with the sights and smells of a hot sunny day here in the woods.  I was so immersed in the profound "meaning-of-life" thoughts flowing steadily though my head that I never considered the hours that were passing.  All I knew was that I was having what is, for me, a near perfect sort of day; the kind when Bob and I would say, "It doesn't get much better than this!"  (I have stopped using that expression since it no longer feels like it fits.)  But I have recently had some magnificent days and yesterday was one of them.

 

That is...until later the same night.

 

The aches and pains of manual labor are painfully (pardon the pun) quite familiar to me.  My philosophy when it comes to hands-on outdoor work has always been "where there's a will, there's a way" regardless of the task at hand.  However, I am reluctantly coming to grips with accepting the fact that that kind of stamina diminishes as the years progress.  The first clue came after a soothing bubble bath that I assumed would offset any discomfort or stiffness I might be in store for.  I couldn't move.  "This is peculiar," I thought as I pondered how I was going to get out of the tub.     After while I came up with a plan that worked.  It involved lifting my right leg with both hands to try to avoid the pain that started in my knee and shot down to the bottom of my foot.  Massaging seemed to make it worse.  The throbbing lasted well into the night and at one point I dearly wanted to take some pain medication. . . . . .but I couldn't get out of bed.  So I decided to use the well known remedy for any type of problem:  Ignore it and hope it's gone in the morning.  Thankfully and for the most part, it was.

 

Today I have been giving my knee a break (ha!...another pun) and using it very gingerly since I still feel it retaliating a bit.  Hence, an indoor day.  I tried going outside just for relaxation and to enjoy the enticeing elements but I couldn't resist a little weeding here, a pruning there, a hole that needed filling, some old paint I wanted to scrape......

 

So...to satisfy my longing

to be outside, I grabbed my camera instead of my tools and strolled around the yard snapping random pictures instead of weeding and snipping.  The compromise felt good this afternoon and with this personal little slideshow, I can take that stroll anytime I feel like it.  Even in January!   

 

Scientifically savvy. . .

Scientifically savvy, I'm not!  That became clearly evident this morning when I shuffled out to the kitchen to make coffee and slipped on the kitchen floor, nearly falling on my backside.  The law of gravity is something I do understand, having had many first hand experiences with it in my life's journey, thus far.  But what on earth...?  Prior to my near mishap, I had noticed with much satisfaction how clean and fresh my kitchen still smelled after yesterday's brief cleaning frenzy.  Putting two and two together, I remembered the cleaning concoction I had mixed up to clean the cabinets.  (Which worked very well, I might add.)  When I was finished, I put the spray bottle with the leftover liquid under the sink where it would be handy.  This morning the bottle was empty.  The liquid had oozed out, spreading beneath everything stored under the sink and then out of the cabinet doors onto the floor, creating an invisible slime.  I guess I know what I will be doing today! 

 

On a positive note, I probably won't have to clean under the sink again anytime soon. 

 

In the future, I'll be more careful.  Maybe.   

I Believe. . .

I Believe

For the LORD is good.
Psalm 100:5

I Believe He is always good.
He is good in easy times and hard times,
in quiet times and busy times,
in smooth times and rugged times.
He is good in stormy days and calm days,
on smooth waters and rough seas,
on high mountains and in deep valleys.
I believe God is good . . .

 

As I was contemplating how I will miss the early morning spiritual nourishment of chapel, now that schedules have changed and I will no longer be playing there, the above Psalm 'popped up' in my e-mail.  (I love synchronicity!)  It reminded me of a most tender journey together with Bob through a deep valley.  At some point during each day of that journey, we said to one another, "God is good!"  It is important to know that we didn't just say the words, we *believed* them...just as I do today.  I realize this can be a confusing concept to those who question the unconditional love of a higher power, based on so called 'bad' things happening or an answer to prayer that is not specifically what was hoped for.  Some call this unanswered prayer.  I prefer to believe every prayer is answered but, as I have often said, "Sometimes the answer is 'no' " and that is when there is a choice to make; whether to step fully into faith, or to submit to the coercions toward denial.  Our choice.  It is my prayer that folks I love, and people I don't even know who are walking through hard times, busy and  rugged times, stormy days, rough seas and deep valleys will choose faith and *believe* God is good.    ~Amen.    

A "candle" sort of day. . .

It's a gray, rainy day this Tuesday morning.  Time to light some candles.  I find they add a little serenity and a boost to the ambiance of days like this.  I am not adjusting well to the change to Daylight Saving Time.  I suppose the fact that the clocks transitioned during the night of my trip home from NC, and that I had to be 'up and at'em' early the next morning has something to do with the extent of my   disorientation. 

 

The "experts" say it takes six weeks for habits to develop.  I beg to differ.  After living for three weeks with some of my family in their home, I find myself frequently at a loss to remember where things are in my own house!  For instance, Sunday morning, I poured water in my coffee pot and had to pause to recall where I would find coffee in this 'foreign' kitchen.  In my defense, I will add that I was not yet fully awake.  In fact, earlier, as I opened my eyes, I was perplexed as to where I was.  It will also take some time to get used to not hearing other "people sounds."

 

Usually, when I return from such a visit, on my first day home, I feel almost like I never left.  This time, I haven't plunged right in, so to speak.  Instead, I am allowing the transitioning to take place gradually.  I was home for a day before I listened to phone messages and another day before I unpacked.  I have yet to open any of the mail that John has conveniently organized in three separate piles of newspapers, catalogs, and envelopes.  For the time being, too, I am ignoring the cat-fur 'tumbleweeds' that are drifting (singing...drifting along like a tumbling tumbleweed...) around on the furniture and floors.  Ah, yes -- Clementi!  He has hardly left my side since he welcomed me home.  He feels the need to be touching me at all times; either sitting on me, stroking me with his paws, licking me, or rubbing his saliva all over me.  There is cat fur in the air I breathe and it sticks in my lipstick.  The static electricity of my computer has created a 'furry' look to whatever I see on the screen.  It is difficult to work when a cat persists on perching on my desk.  With his teeth, he has shredded some receipts that I hope are not important.  It could be that Clementi is retaliating.  First, for my leaving for so long.  Then, because he did spend all of last night in the hall pantry closet.  I swear that was accidental!  I even questioned the lack of his annoying presence when I turned in for the night but I supposed my homecoming was no longer new to him or that he might be stalking a mouse somewhere in the house.  (He sits motionless for hours when he's hunting.)  This morning, as soon as I stirred, I heard his pathetic yowling and knew right away what had happened.  You'd think he'd learn!  I keep mentioning to him, "You do know about curiosity and the cat, don't you?" 

 

The rain is coming down quite steadily.  I'm going to light my candles now and I'd better check the basement for leaks.

 

Oh...and feed the cat.

Today. . .

Another Thursday...but is it?  Thursday, yes...but 'another', no.  Sometimes I am deceived into thinking the days of the week are a cycle of repetitiveness when, in fact, they are ongoing, forward leading stepping stones that beckon me to follow them through this ever-changing land called Life.  In my journey, all that I can see with any clarity is Today and that, I believe is as it should be.  *All I can see of Yesterday and Tomorrow are the hazy horizons that blur the paths behind and before me.  That too, is as it should be, I believe.

 

I must say, during my stay here in NC, I have adapted easily to the leisure routine of sleeping in, doing minimal household tasks, sipping half-caff coffee, and knitting.  Lots and lots of knitting (my obsession, of late).  In prior months while I was in the doldrums, I decided I needed an attainable goal that would help me feel uplifted when accomplished.  I chose knitting.  Although I had done some knitting in the past, I usually opted to crochet because I was more skilled at that and my slower pace at knitting was frustrating.  With determination, I polished up my needles and, over the winter, dove into all sorts of patterns and yarns.  I am pleased to say, "mission accomplished!"  But now...the only problem is...I can't stop!  I have become a compulsive knitter!

Today is a good day!  I'm sure that is due, in part, to the nurturing of yesterday's impromptu visit with a beautiful long-time friend.  (I was going to say "old" friend but somehow that word is sounding less and less appropriate.)  =^)

 

*I seem to be recalling the 'Pushme - Pullyou' in the story of "Dr. Doolittle and the Pirates" who kept watch of the horizons, using both of his heads, and would say, "I see no danger in front of us" and "I see no danger behind us."  I suppose some preparedness is necessary but I have to wonder if the Pushme - Pullyou missed out on some of the joy of the "Today."    

Ramblings. . .

Sunday morning, March 3rd. . .

I am all ready to leave for church in a little while, my last Sunday here in North Carolina.  There are always mixed emotions about that since, after all these years, I have become comfortably familiar with the nice folks at Hope Mills United Methodist Church, whom I lovingly refer to as my "other" church family.

Finally! a little bit of a warmer day.  The sunshine is welcome, too.  However, the extended forecast indicates that the warm spring-like days that are typical here at this time will not begin until the day I leave.  That is also typical and has become our running joke.

The banana bread Daniel made last night hits the spot with a fresh, hot cup of coffee.  That was our second cooking session; the first was pancakes made from scratch.  I'm glad he and Ian like to cook.  Ian's specialties are tacos and calzone. 

To be continued. . . 

 

Fast-forward to Tuesday morning, March 5th. . .

Bright sunshine this morning but looking like it might cloud up and there is a 'nip' in the air.  There were snow flurries Sunday morning.  Enough about weather!  Who cares?  Besides, dwelling on our preferences accomplishes nothing but a waste of precious time.

 

The countdown has begun, meaning that my visit here is dwindling since I will be flying home this Saturday night.  My feelings are mixed.  While I have more or less settled in here, I find myself beginning to turn my thoughts toward details of home.  Have my plants been watered?  What mail has come?  Any important phone messages?  Has Clementi eaten himself into oblivion?  But most importantly, I hope someone has remembered *litterbox detail*!!!  I'm sure they have...but, can you imagine?  =^)

 

Lately I've had the opportunity to hone my amateur barbering skills and, to my surprise, am not as rusty as I thought I'd be after such a long time.  (Bob always liked joking about the fact that I came from a long line of Italian barbers.)  John had requested a back-to-school haircut last September and I have been 'in business' ever since.  John, Michael and Ian had faith in me but as for Daniel - not so, at first.  He was in dire need of a 'shearing' but whenever I offered, his response was to eye me skeptically and say, "I have my own barber."  He finally relented, though, and looks like a different person.

 

How I love my grandkids!  I count them one by one every day and ponder their individual ages and stages...all sixteen of them (including three "greats").  Their growing up seems to be happening so fast.  Were their parents really children for such a short time?  I have the sensation that I have merely turned around to find a passage of time has taken place while I blinked. 

 

How thankful I am to be part of all that! 

 

Especially the part where I am once-removed from the stress of parenthood.  Payback! Ha!!     

 

Monday, February 25th. . .

Monday, February 25th...Day 10, already, of NC visit and I have yet to 'blog.'  I could have written about the unseasonal blizzard that followed us all the way down I 95, and about the ground that was still snow-covered when we arrived at Jenn's and Allen's. I also might have described how wonderful it was to have most of my family all together in one place; what a joy it was to listen to the eager reunion of laughing siblings and the chattering - sometimes bickering - of "the cousins" (as they so aptly refer to themselves.)  I was much too immersed in all of that as it was happening and, later, basking in it to take time to write about it.  But all too soon, it was over.  Dan and Michelle were back home across the state and Cindy and kids on their way back to French Woods. 
 

I am having some memorable moments, one of the most poignant when Kaitlyn (almost four) said to me: "I am very sad......because I miss Grampa Bob." (Whom she has never actually met.)  I am always in awe of the capacity of children to grasp that which we believe to be beyond their understanding.

While the McQuiston family is at work and school, I have been spending quiet hours knitting, meditating, and practicing relaxation exercises in hopes of finding the path that will lead me in my journey to a clearer mindset.  I am noticing fewer, less severe anxiety attacks and for that I am thankful.

I don't know yet when I'll be going home.  There is much to be said for focusing on just one day at a time (which is what I have been doing) but I suppose I need to get a plan in place for my return trip.
 

Maybe I'll think about that tomorrow.  Right now, I'm just 'twitching' to get my hands on the *new yarn* I bought yesterday!

Where have I been. . .

Where have I been? That's what I have been asking myself these past couple of months. I feel as though time has been toying with me; or that I have been 'somewhere else' for the past five years. Asleep, maybe...emerging, now, from an unsettling, vivid dream. During November, a realization occurred suddenly one day, that time had not stood still since January of 2008! That realization left me feeling as though I was being thrust into a reality I hadn't prepared myself for. How could I have? We never know what is on the 'next page.' I looked around and saw that the older grandkids had matured beyond the point where they were five years ago, and the little ones (now, too, maturing) had not even been born then. My own grown children are different, too. They have been steadily gaining five more years' worth of wisdom and confidence...and it shows. As I glance around my house, I notice little things as well as some home improvements that, until my recent 'awakening,' I was still referencing as "new" when, in fact, they are now quite established. Some, needing a little touch-up here and there. Intellectually, I have had total awareness of what was happening while, at the same time, emotionally, I was blind-sided.  Again, I ask, "Where have I been?" during this leg of my journey.

The question took me over some peaks and through some valleys as I embarked on my quest to clear the muddle from my mind. I knew, given the way I was feeling, that this was going to take awhile.  Reluctantly, I even postponed my usual visit with my NC families.  I had no stamina for traveling nor did I think it was a good idea to subject them to my present eccentricities.  Although, they’re probably used to it by now.  =^)   Having decided to stay home, I secluded myself away from anything that felt the least bit stressful. (...counting my blessings for being in a position to do that.) I spent a lot of time just knitting, sometimes for entire days. The rhythm is relaxing and allows me to probe deep inside the core of my thoughts, and the creative satisfaction is a plus, too. There were dark days and bright days; depression and joy; quiet time, music and prayer; and some tears and laughter, too.  The most difficult obstacle for me during these months was the prolonged anxiety attacks that struck anytime-anywhere. I don't know which is worse -- the fear in not knowing what's happening or the frustration of knowing, yet being unable to 'turn them off' on your own.  During an attack, it is physically draining to maintain a facade of normalcy while interacting with others.  Fatigued, I slept more than usual.

Briefly, what I have concluded as a result of my painstaking seclusion is that I have been rather numb these past five years.  That is, the initial raw grief has subsided and in its place is a tender aching that has chiseled out its own permanent little chamber in my heart.  I have been living and dealing with life in a way that has become pleasant and comfortable to me.  I thought, “Oh, I guess *this* is how it’s going to be,” but I was mistaken.   There was more to come.  I mentioned being numb.  What I mean is that, in a way, I felt ‘safe’ because, you see, nothing really mattered.  The worst thing I could imagine had already happened, so I had just been putting in my time, so to speak; moving forward a day at a time.  Enthusiastic anticipation of anything I really cared about was part of my past, I thought.  I was simply holding up my end of God’s bargain.  The one that reminds me that as long as I am here, I must be here for a purpose, and by golly, I vowed to do my utmost to fulfill my part!  That hasn’t changed.  However, there has been some transitioning taking place and I am finding myself genuinely looking forward to some of what remains in the future.  This feels foreign to me right now and I believe that in order to protect my heart, I am instinctively resistant.  Now that I understand that, I’m sure more insights will follow and I will find my way back to a peaceful place just as one might come upon a meadow after being lost in the woods.  

The good thing is that I have learned to journey through the middle of these ‘dark woods’ with the assurance that, sooner or later, (in God’s time) I will see light begin to filter through the trees and I, like my kids and grandkids, will have grown and be all the wiser for it.

 

That’s where I’ve been………….