NC May 4th 2012. . .

Friday, May 4th. . .

Let's see, I think this is Friday.   It's a little past 6:30am and I'm sitting out on the screened in patio, listening to the early morning birds.  Judging by the sounds, I'd say the dense wooded area at the foot of the back yard must be full of them.  If it weren't for the competitive drone of the traffic on nearby Tukaseegee Road, I might think I was back home in French Woods.  If I lived here, I suppose I would get used to it afterwhile but I have a tendancy to "look up" when I hear a car, wondering "who's coming?"

Once again, I spent yesterday in the world of Kaitlyn and Matthew and will do so again today.  Since we live so far apart, how I cherish these special days of bonding even though by this point in my "life's journey,"  my stamina for keeping pace with a three year old and an almost one year old is not quite what it used to be.  I'm so used to such a different kind of busyness that at the end of the day, I feel (in a way) as though I've "done nothing" and wonder why I am exhausted.  It reminds me of when Bob and I would travel all day in the car and kid one another about being so tired out when all we did was "sit all day."

Later......

Among other things, I have managed to get dressed and even comb my hair.  We have had a pretend picnic on a hooded bath towel in the middle of the living room floor, with one plastic spoon and one plastic cup packed in a trick-or-treat bucket "picnic basket."  The picnic ended abruptly when Kaitlyn decided the bucket bore a better likeness to a helmet and she went bouncing away on her Moon Bounce ball with the Halloween bucket on her head. 

I miss Bob so much when I am with these children that he never knew and my heart melts a little every time I see little glimpses of him in them.  He would have enjoyed them so.     

NC May 2nd 2012. . .

Wednesday, May 2nd...

Well...I made it!  Here I am, settling into Day One in NC at Dan and Michelle's.  As reluctant as I am to leave the hills of French Woods, I do look forward to being "home" with the rest of my family in this "neck of the woods."  How heartwarming it is to hear "Gramma!  Gramma!  Gramma!" before my feet are even out of the car and to be greeted by little outstretched arms and bright, smiling eyes.  To me, this is what "it" is all about.

Getting here had its ups and downs...literally, since I flew.  The flight was delayed to the extent that my departure time from Scranton was nearly what my scheduled arrival time in Charlotte had been.  Since I didn't need to make a connecting flight, that was of little concern, though.  I just pulled a crochet project out of my bag and worked on that while I waited.  The flight itself had a magnificent view and was smooth and relaxing...to begin with.  Just as I closed my eyes to settle in for a little cat nap, the turbulance started and when I opened my eyes, the view had dissolved into gray cloud cover.  I was relieved when the flight attendant announced that the captain had said it would only be bumpy like that for about ten minutes.  That is, until she added, "and then it will get worse."  That it did, but the important thing is that we landed safely, I collected my baggage without mishap, was met by Dan and we proceeded to inch along through the bumper to bumper commuter traffic toward Kannapolis.

Today, I'm reconnecting with parenting skills as I spend the day with Kaitlyn and Matthew.  The pure pleasure Matthew takes in tipping his head back and viewing the world upside down reminds me that it is a good thing to pause now and then and take time to see through the eyes of a child.

No such place as far away. . .

Loving my family...holding closely the ones who are miles away by touching those who are nearby.  The essence of each is in the other and in that way we are connected.  It's an elusive sort of thing that flits in and out of my comprehension...but I know it's there.  I feel it.  There's no such place a far away. 

Permanent. . .

Well, I'm on the home stretch with my 'temporary crown.' My appointment for my 'permanent' one is tomorrow. I'm trying to remember how many 'permanent' crowns I've had replaced by now. Obviously, I have misunderstood the definition of the word 'permanent.' I thought it meant 'everlasting' - period. Here too, however, lurks the ever present loophole. The dictionary adds "without significant change;" in other words, with change. Another definition is "intended to exist for a long, indefinite period." The word 'intended' suggests the likelihood that 'it's' existence may not last long at all. With all that in mind I am convinced that the most distinct difference between a temporary crown and a permanent crown is the cost. The durability of either one is pure speculation.

But...isn't that true of everything? Why then is there even such a word as 'permanent?' Nothing (that we have) lasts forever and nothing (that we know) is ever sure. How audacious...to presume comprehension of that which is not meant for us but for God.

Peeps and chickens better scurry. . .

Lunch: instant coffee w/ French vanilla creamer, topped with three of last summer's marshmallows, and a this-year's marshmallow Easter peep on the side.  Mmm...so pleasing that I may decide to have seconds.

I have just come from my daughter's where I am helping to oversee the animal menagerie while the family is away on vacation.  The thought of doing a little writing appealed to me as a good way to spend some "quality time" with the dogs so I brought along my netbook.  For some reason, though, an Internet connection was unavailable.  I'm not sure why.  There had been no problem a couple of days ago.  Although I was mildly disappointed, I didn't really care.  It only meant that I had to resort to Plan B, whatever that was.  I didn't have one in mind. 

I had already showered the dogs with the affection they are so greedy for, as much as they are their food and then they were off exploring their perimeter, dashing back every now and then to give me adoring, yet inquisitive looks and to make sure I was still there.  The cat is equally communicative but I suspect the motivation behind his affectionate gestures toward me is something more self-centered.  The chickens had also been tended to.  Chickens are not greedy for affection like dogs and neither are they manipulative like cats.  They just...well, they just are.  While they were busy plucking at their feed, I made my way to the hen house to gather the eggs I anticipated finding.  What I found instead were tell-tale signs that there had been a scuffle in the hen house the night before, which explained all the fluffy white feathers scattered on the grass and billowing in the breeze.  In the nests, all that was left of the eggs were a few shells.  The two "fake" eggs were still there but they had been rolled out of the nests.  "I don't think I'm cut out for this," I thought, knowing full well that I will be having a little heartache for the next few days as I imagine the tragic scenario that took place in the hen house.

I know...balance of nature...food chain...natural order of things...all that stuff.  Rationally, I really don't have a problem with the laws of nature.  However, I would prefer not to be a witnessing bystander. 

Although, now that I think of it, I had absolutely no qualms about tossing the cat in the bathtub to catch the mouse the time that one dropped into the water with me, while I stood on top of the toilet, peering over the shower door to watch!  So I guess I'm a willing bystander afterall.

 

And...I did eat a "peep" for lunch.....................          

 

Keep moving; don't stop. . .

Today I have been on a cleaning frenzy and have finally, around 8 PM, called it quits.  When I finished the upstairs and started having thoughts of tackling the basement, I knew it was time to execute some will power.  It's times like this when I can hear Bob saying, "Hon, don't you ever know when it's time to quit?!"  I guess I don't but I believe I'm learning.  It's not that I'm overly ambitious - it's more that I seem to need to keep moving, always keeping my eye on the "next thing."  My theory about this behavior is that it is an avoidance method.  What am I avoiding?  Now, that's a good question.  I suppose if I ever stopped long enough, I would find out, wouldn't I?  The fact is, I already know so that's why it doesn't concern me very much and, in fact, I'm quite content with filling my days with the kind of busyness that exhausts me physically, yet allows for long periods of clear thinking, prayer and meditation, and lots of "listening."  It's my way of being still...if that makes sense.  I do understand that for me, psychologically, it's a way to connect one moment to the next, one day to the next, and so on, so that they all blend into one.  It is a deeply ingrained habit that evolved farther back than I can remember, out of childhood fears - an attempt to make time stand still, so to speak.  In other words, if "now" is safe, and if it is always "now" (if you keep moving, don't stop, don't sleep...) then nothing fearsome can squeeze in.  That was my childhood theory, anyway.  Of course, now I am intellectually aware of the fallacy of that theory and I also understand more clearly from a spiritual perspective.  However, some of the "mechanics" - the habits, remain.  I'm okay with that.  It's who I am. 

And it gives me something to ponder while I'm doing other things.  They say, "Life is what's happening while you're busy doing other things."  I thank God over and over that I can say, "Other things have been happening while I've been busy with life."   I haven't "missed the dance."  How awesome is that?!

So, tomorrow, maybe I'll clean the basement......   

    

If the tooth fits. . .

When is it the right time to go to the dentist? 

Two thirty, of course!

=^)

Yesterday while eating a leftover Christmas candy cane, one of the pieces felt a little peculiar in my mouth.  It didn't take long to realize that a large portion (80% as confirmed by my dentist) of one of my lower molars had broken away and was clattering around the rest of my teeth along with the crunchy candy granules.  At first I wasn't sure which tooth it had come from so, very gingerly, I ran the tip of my tongue around until it settled on the now foreign location.  I wished with all my might that I could just press the broken piece back in place and then forget any of this had happened but a person doesn't get to be my age without learning, somewhere along the line, that "wishing won't make it so."

As I fondled the bit of self that, until now had been a part of me for most of my life, I began to think about all it and I had experienced together in my journey over the years.  That began to make me feel very melancholy so I made fun, instead, by joking about putting it under my pillow.  Then I drank a cup of hot tea and went to bed, pretending the problem would go away as I slept.  But, of course, it didn't.

That's behind me now; that road has been traveled and another day has come and almost gone.  Luckily, my dentist had an opening and I am now the semi-contented wearer of a firmly cemented temporary crown.  Is it worth the hour of pricking, jabbing, drilling, poking, gagging and prodding?  My guess is 'yes' but I'm a little too tired at the moment to know for sure.  I did enjoy having my own personal TV during the procedure, complete with remote and headphones.  I turned the volume up loud to drown out the buzzing sounds of the drill - which put me in mind of chainsaws in autumn.  I chose the National Geographic channel...to make a good impression - and also because I am in protest against the propaganda that permeates the news channels. As a result, I will always associate my reconstructed tooth with the vision of a boatload of men dumping a tub of blood into the ocean in order to entice the great white sharks.  Surely there must be something that needs doing more than that.  But what do I know? 

One thing I do know is that it is not a good idea to go shopping when you're numbed and dopey.  I'm speculating that the Novocaine may have infiltrated my capacity to reason using logic.  I came home with a large slotted spoon that I don't need and a new little coffee pot, just because it's cute!

No candy canes, though.