Crossing a threshold. . .

 That feeling I get when something inside of me ‘breaks’… I can’t explain. I just know.

 I heard my daughter’s pastor say, once that there are times when you just “know what you know what you know.” I carry this with me, being careful not to apply it frivolously. As a result, much of my frustration with trying to explain the unexplainable has been alleviated. Along the same line, Bob once added “You’ve crossed a threshold and you can’t go back” and I have gleaned many moments of clarity from his words.

Lately it seems I have crossed one of those thresholds finding myself in one of those new places where I struggle to find my way. I look out at the world around me and I am conflicted between trusting that people are inherently good or I am wavering toward fear that the evildoers are winning. There is some consolation in knowing there are many who share this ‘shuffled’ place with me. We ask ourselves what our role is. I’m not sure. What I do know is that it must include love. Hate is for *acts* of evil, not the *body* committing it. 

In the upcoming days, as I try to find what “broke” I will be evaluating my journey thus far, my present purpose, and commitments for future…all with a focus on love!❤️ When the next threshold appears, I’ll be ready!

Maybe the Hippies were right……🌸🌼🌺

NC trip 2021

 Wednesday, November 24th

Still in Raleigh.

Slept soundly and comfortably. Had a leisurely morning including a hot breakfast, home cooked by Chris. We looked at driving options to Jenn’s that would avoid the congestion of I-95, which made for an enjoyably relaxing drive. That is until I decided to get on the interstate for the last 20 miles where traffic was bumper to bumper at two speeds: SLOW and STANDSTILL. Once I arrived, though, all of that seemed irrelevant when familiarity made me feel as though I had been there just the other day...not two years ago. I love that!

Soon, each of the grandsons arrived. Then, of course, came the fun and laughter. We are a family of clowns. What else can I say?

NC trip 2021

 Tuesday, November 23rd

With coffee in hand, Mike and I headed out at 7am, as planned. A dusting of snow was there to bless our journey. I say that in all sincerity. I love snowy mornings. I’m not one of the ‘snowbirds’ who wants to avoid winter; I travel to be with family. Or...as I call it “mooching off the kids.”

The pleasantries of the trip outweighed the tediousness. However, mile after mile on I-95 at a snail’s pace gets old really fast...and there was a lot of that.

It was a relief later in the day to hear J.D. tell me I had left my keys in the front door. I thought they might have fallen out of my pocket during our breakfast stop. I even called Panera Bread to check. By the way, their breakfast sandwiches are the best ever! 

Arriving in Raleigh at 7pm, we were enthusiastically greeted by two bouncing little girls and a happy baby brother. Oh, and their parents, too! Lily (6) played the piano for us, read to me from her Curious George book, and (to my heart’s delight) asked me to braid her hair. Cecilia (4) introduced some of her dolls to me, showing much partiality to Ana and Elsa, and seemed proud to announce that she is the “middle child.”

Later on, their cozy guest room was a welcome nest to rest my stiff and weary bones!

NC trip Day 3 10-20-2018

Saturday

Enjoyed early morning coffee on the back patio. The birdsongs are noticeably different than up home.
Jenn and Daniel had Band obligations in the afternoon so I spent it relaxing and nursing the mystery pain in my foot. The cats and dog like having me here while their humans are away.

NC visit Day 5 10-22-2018

Monday

Work and school week begins for Jenn and Daniel. Rachael is in and out juggling classes and work. She’s a busy girl! Lazy day for me. My painful heel is improving and I don’t want to jinx it. Rotating and stretching it while sitting seems to help. My only project for today was to sort and organize my “stuff” that I have stashed here. Several types of shoes are handy since they use precious packing space when flying. Toiletries, too, so I don’t have to bother with the liquid “thing.”

This evening was Daniel’s choral concert. Oh, my gosh! Jenn and I cannot be trusted to go anywhere together! I will explain: Daniel has decided to shave his head. When their director cautioned the chorus about avoiding any distracting accessories, the comments among Daniel’s peers about his bald head centered around its shine. The joking followed him home after school where various remarks continued, including Jenn and myself. Well......when the choir filed onstage in the darkened auditorium wearing all black clothing......there stood Daniel, perfectly aligned under an overhead light. It was a distraction alright. His pasty head (from wearing hats in the sun) seemed to double in circumference by a broad glow forming a perfect circle around his head! (You know...like the pictures of the Holy Family on Christmas cards.) Needless to say, I lost it! I had to try so hard to keep from exploding in laughter that it was painful. Same for Jenn. We could not make eye contact. Nor could I look at Daniel during the entire first number. Just as we were almost under control, we heard the girl (part of the in-school discussion) behind us whisper, “Oh. My. God. Daniel’s head.” It was a memorable evening.

Oh...and the performance was superb!

NC visit Day 4 10-21-2018

Sunday

Beautiful day all around. So nice to feel the love from folks at Hope Mills UMC, some of whom I have known since the 90’s. Jenn has music obligations at both services so I was chauffeured to the later one by Daniel...in the silver Mustang. Coffee, snacks and fellowship after. Then food shopping and home to Jenn’s good cooking. She is a die hard football fan. Me...not so much...so I did my own “thing” for the afternoon.

I am beginning to regret packing so light, Wishing I could reach for items still at home in NY. I guess I wouldn’t be a very good minimalist, would I?

NC Visit Day 2 10-19-2018

Friday

Random thoughts:

1. The pain in my heel is really slowing me down!

2. It is a joy to watch Daniel play his trumpet and see how passionately he connects with it!

3. Homecoming at Grays Creek Highschool. The night air. The sights and sounds. An atmosphere once common but now rare. I enjoy sitting quietly and observing. A lot of insight can be gained that way...about yourself and about people in general through the expression in their eyes and their body language. The more we try to understand, the more we are able to love one another as we should.

NC trip Day 1...10-19-2018

Here I am at last for a long overdue visit.! I opted to fly as opposed to driving despite the disadvantages of not being able to transport containers of things earmarked for “the kids,” the limitation of packing space, and most importantly, being without a vehicle. Less travel time and reasonable airfare were enticing enough to choose flying over driving. Maybe I’ll start to enjoy having chauffeurs. We’ll call it “Driving Gramma Dorothy.” 😉 If necessary, I can always get a rental car. Anyway...it’s so good to be here!

J.D. drove me to the airport under not the best circumstances. Traffic was bumper to bumper, the bright sun glared on my car’s dirty windshield at eye level the whole way, and traffic worsened due to what appeared to be a serious accident involving several cars. Once there, the timing worked out perfectly. I was able to board my plane almost immediately. I had printed my own boarding pass and packed sparingly so I only needed my carry on.  My good deed for the day was to happily exchange seats with a man who wished to sit with his family. I mention this only because, from their reaction, I gather the attendants are more accustomed to “flack.” (What a shame. Love one another, people!)

I nearly missed my connecting flight despite the 1.5 hour layover. I sat at the assigned gate waiting for the board to change from Charleston to Fayetteville. As boarding time grew close, I inquired and was told my gate had been changed...to one way at the end of the corridor then way to the end of the corridor on the left. With luggage in tow and limping on a very painful heel, I made it! Whew! We were probably informed as we landed but I honestly could not hear any of the announcements. Although I have substantial hearing loss I don’t consider that to be the only reason to have missed the message. For one thing, they rattle off that stuff faster than a normal person can think and secondly, in any work related public interaction, please, please make enunciation more of a priority! What I am learning is to double check, ask lots of questions, and to be extra observant. When I miss something that seems to be important, I’m not hesitant to say, “I have hearing loss!” Most people become very articulate then...which (I believe) they should have been in the first place.

Both flights were smooth as silk. Thank you, Lord. Peaceful silent prayer and meditation time. Before I knew it, we had landed and there was Jenn waiting to chauffeur me away. After a restful night’s sleep I am having a lazy day to ponder. To ponder what, I wonder? The joy of life when there is love in it, I guess.

A week observed. . .

This has to be one of the best weeks I have had in a long time, thanks to Mike and Cindy for entrusting me with their offspring while the two of them indulge in a well deserved getaway. I am thoroughly enjoying the pace of teenagers and their schedules! The early morning bus time, packing lunches, having an excuse to be silly, and chauffeuring back and forth.

This is not the first time I have supervised grandkids, by any means, however these particular days of my journey have taught me some things about myself. As I observe today's young parents, I often comment in wonder at their ability to juggle so many schedules. Comparing that to my current "retirement" status, I have assumed my stamina for all that had long since waned. How pleasantly surprised I am to be experiencing a keener mindset and a greatly heightened energy level!

I am thankful to have had the presence of mind to cherish the years with youngsters of my own although I will admit to moments of frustration and brief longings for a time of a less hectic existence. The lesson here, as I see it, emphasizes a nudging from God that encourages us not to dwell on 'yesterday' or worry about 'tomorrow' but to be thankful for 'today' while we are living it.

Yes, this has been an invigorating yet pensive week filled with many blessings, a time I will cherish always.

..........................but I bet I'll sleep good next week!  😉

Consolation. . .

I am really missing my visiting family who are now back home in NC after a day's drive. My quiet house is full of little telltale reminders of their presence -- beds that have been slept in, objects where they placed them, lingering scents, and empty Cheese-it boxes under Daniel's bed. It was quite an enjoyable, laid-back visit but as always, over much too soon. To console myself, I did what any normal person would do: I bought new pajamas!

Some things don't change. . .

Perfect weather for working outside and here I am, stuck inside taking care of "business." My own fault for being such a procrastinator when it comes to opening mail. I don't know why I avoid it so. I think it might be because most of my household matters and my personal communication are processed electronically these days, making the handling of "paper work" seem tediously slow and inefficient. It makes me 'twitchy.' I don't even check my mailbox everyday but I do try to empty it often enough so the mail carrier doesn't have to struggle to cram more in. The bulk of it goes immediately in the trash while the important 'stuff' is carefully placed in one of the three slots in the wooden letter holder on the wall. I always start out by prioritizing 1, 2, or 3...but that doesn't last long. I can't be bothered. It makes me 'twitchy.' 

After while, some uneasiness begins to set in as I glance at the bulging letter holder each time I pass by. Then for a time I simply try to avoid looking at it all together. Finally, there comes a day (like today) when the stress level of "putting off until 'tomorrow' what should be done 'today'" offsets the mock satisfaction brought on by avoidance. Anxiety begins to hover and close in around me, compelling me to pick up my little (Civil War sword replica) letter opener and tackle the task at hand.

The stack of unopened mail in the photo below is the "important stuff" that has accumulated over the past month...or two...three? Maybe longer. Who knows what I will find in there? It's hard to say. Although I can say that the suspense is making me very 'twitchy.'

.

How am I dealing with this? Why, I am sitting here writing about it while the envelopes remain stacked, unopened, on my desk. Will I finally get down to business? Only time will tell. Am I going to vow, as I have so often in the past, to never let this happen again? No way! Not happening. I have come to accept that this is who I am and no doubt, the process will continue to repeat itself.

You know......accept the things you can't change......and all that. Besides, trying to change makes me 'twitchy.'

Candles and cello. . .

This is a damp and cloudy, moody and melancholy sort of day. Time for some candle-producing aroma therapy and a little James Todd cello on Pandora as I go about today's tasks. Unless, of course, it really 'gets' to me, in which case I will switch to some '60's political protest songs!

Okay...it must have finally happened.  My psyche and I have lost touch with each other. The dreams I had last night were too weird for words.  I'm sorry, but I'm not going to share them in order to protect my sanity from becoming scrutinized.   

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. . .

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!  I have been outside taking it all in and getting satisfaction from making "first tracks" in the fresh snow, an ongoing contest between myself and the deer.  Usually the deer win but I suspect they have chosen the warmth of their thickets rather than to forage for food in the below-freezing temperatures.  Although outdoors is awesome and invigorating, I took the safety precaution of staying out only long enough to retrieve yesterday's mail, clean the exhaust pipe to the pellet stove, and to do a little shoveling.  The rest of the snow removal can wait for J.D.  (I haven't ever used the snow blower and I am very content to keep it that way.)  To add an extra layer over my gloves, I slipped a pair of wool boot-socks over them.  The warmth was nice but I kept dropping my shovel and without thumbs, picking it back up was difficult.

This is the first I've used the pellet stove this season since the basement hasn't felt all that chilly to me, so far.  I always breathe a sigh of relief when I start it up and it does what it's supposed to do. 

through the window screen...

through the window screen...

This morning I got up before daylight and flung my bedroom window open to press my face to the screen and breathe in the freshness of the new snowy world outside.  I went from window to window to marvel at how the landscape had changed from the night before.  (I don't know why, after all these years, it still leaves me breathless...but it does.)  It's my goal to one day capture that magic in a picture but I've come to the conclusion that it's not quite possible.  I think the reason is because it's really more what I 'feel' rather than what I 'see.'  I'll keep trying, anyway.

That was all prior to coffee, believe it or not!  Once the coffee was brewing, a nice hot breakfast seemed appealing.  With my taste buds all set for bacon and eggs, to my dismay, I realized I was out of propane!  Dang!  What's up with this?!  This *never* happens!  I'm on automatic delivery!  So I had a toasted bagel instead.  By then, it was after eight o'clock so I called "Propane People."  First, I tried their 800 number.  A recording told me to check the number and try again.  So I did.  Same recording.  I tried their other number.  No answer.  I found a "home office" number online and tried that.  I spoke with someone on Long Island who tried to get through but with the same outcome as mine.  She said she would e-mail the dispatcher in my area and have him call me.  I assumed it would be today but the afternoon is winding down and so far, no phone call.  Oh well, at least I have heat.

I do love these snowy days with their soothing serenity. They remind us to pause and reflect and to be thankful for even that which we cannot see.

 I need my sunglasses on, inside!

Snow day. . .

It's a magical morning here in French Woods!  The first thing I did was to fling open my window to smell the snow and listen to its silence.  Then, while the coffee brewed, I slipped my bare feet into my boots and walked from one end of the porch to the other, just taking it all in.  

I'm anticipating the week ahead will be a bit confusing since I am taking a "snow day" from church this morning.  I know I'll be checking the calendar off and on to see what day it is.

How will I use this found time?  Is this one of God's winks?  I'm eager to see how the day unfolds. 

It's a marshmallow world over the Hobbit Hole.  Note the snow gauge measuring about a foot and the deer trail where they have been pawing at my myrtle and grazing in the orchard.

Looks like the bear's picnic got snowed on.

Blue spruce + hemlock + "fake" = The Fellowship of the Evergreens!

A little porch decorating. . .

A little decorating on the porch is a must since that's what I see from my dining room.  I was inspired by the big black bear that paid me a visit in the fall.  This explains my procrastination when it comes to necessary tasks; I'd rather "play."

I thought it only fitting that I should have a bear on my porch.